Care & Feeding of the INFJ

INFJ: The Counselor

2021 Update: HEY Y'ALL! This post has been working its way through the world since 2015. Since then, I wrote a book! It just came out a few weeks ago. You can learn more here or order it here or here.

ALSO you can find out more about me (I AM AN EXPERT ON INFJ) www.rootsandkeyscoaching.com 

So, for context, let me first say that when I asked a close friend for help writing this who is also an INFJ (as I am), she (half)-jokingly said, "Just write: you wouldn't understand" and leave it at that. (!!)

The INFJ is the enigma of the 16 types; it's the rarest (estimated at about 1% of the population) and certainly the most difficult to pin down descriptively, but I'll do my best. 

If you are partnered with an INFJ, is important for you to understand that they are incredibly empathetic and sensitive, and that this is both a blessing and a curse. They do best with partners who are strong, steady, balanced, and healthy, because there is always a risk of the INFJ taking on negative emotions from their partners by virtue of this almost-pathological empathy. Too, the INFJ can get overwhelmed about the woes of the world. Without getting too new agey, the best way to explain it is that the INFJ is profoundly connected and responsive to the energy around them. They feel everything more deeply than most people do and are affected on a cellular level by the pain and suffering of others. It is not unusual for the INFJ to be moved to tears over the plights of strangers. They need a partner who sees and values this quality, because it is foundational to who they are at their core; anyone who isn't able to appreciate it or who finds it irksome will be experienced as rejecting the INFJ outright. 

The INFJ is freakishly intuitive. This is probably the other most important thing to know, because ultimately it accounts for their "superpower", which looks a lot like psychic ability but is really just hyper-intuition. Get ready for the INFJ to basically read your mind all the time, tell you your business before you even know it, and routinely predict events that will come to pass. 

This is largely an unconscious process, but the partner of an INFJ will probably realize at some point that at all times, the INFJ is reading the environment around them. They are taking the emotional temperature of everyone in the room, assessing body language, watching interactions, eavesdropping, sorting data, analyzing, questioning, filing new information, rejecting old information, looking for patterns. Constantly vigilant of everything and endlessly receiving data. (This sounds like a lot of work, but for INFJ it is effortless and reflexive; it's just what their brains do.) 

This can be off-putting to people who misinterpret it as a judging function. It is not. Despite the "J" in the name, INFJ is decidedly not a judging type. They get the "J" because what gets extraverted (shown to the world) is a decision-making function, extraverted feeling. But they are actually a classic prospecting type, with some vast majority of their energy going towards (neutral) information-gathering. As such, yes, they technically are analyzing you, but it's not intentional, and ultimately it stems from a deep desire to understand you (and everyone/everything else). 

They have enormous stores of information in their internal files, much of which they aren't conscious of, and can pull out details they didn't even know they observed, mostly about "vibes" and "impressions" (more so than they'll recall verbatim conversations or sensory details). INFJs can, with uncanny accuracy, "just know" things. This is their greatest strength and what can make them so interesting to partner with. 

All of this is to say, it is true that INFJs have the busiest brains out there, but they should not be misinterpreted as simple over-thinkers. Very little of this energy is wasted. While there is a certain amount of navel-gazing in any of the NF types, when an INFJ is at their best (i.e., not in the grips of some emotionally-stunting funk) they are more often than not pondering large, complex, abstract ideas and trying to grapple with philosophical or moral dilemmas (rather than just stewing about how they personally feel about stuff, although of course the more neurotic INFJs will do quite a lot of this too). Basically, if you peered inside their brains at any given moment, you'd be astounded at the amount of activity going on all the time. 

There is a certain wisdom to the INFJ that people respond to favorably, like, "this person seems to know what they're talking about." You can take your INFJ to a dinner party, so long as it's a relatively small group, and trust that they will connect with people and probably end up with several new friends or business contacts. People generally like INFJs, even if they aren't quite sure what to make of them or even find them awkward at first, or slow to warm up.

Anyway, that clarity of vision and depth is a quality they very much value in themselves, and as such they will be deeply hurt by an offhanded comment such as "you think too much" or "you're so serious". (Advice: don't ever say any of that to an INFJ). 

What makes those type of comments sting so much is that the one thing INFJs want more than anything is to be understood fully, and they genuinely try to make themselves known to the people they care about. But they get frustrated and hurt when most people still just don't get them. And any of the aforementioned comments reflect a lack of a) understanding and b) appreciation for the unique perspective of the INFJ. 

*********TO READ THE REST AND ALL THE OTHER INFJ STUFF (which is a lot): CLICK HERE https://www.patreon.com/posts/24043625********

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(it's worth it, I promise!) Here's a video I made about MBTI: https://www.patreon.com/posts/14110909