I wrote this:
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/grief/
Tuesday, June 23, 2015
Wednesday, June 17, 2015
Tuesday, April 14, 2015
36 things in 36 years.
A much-belated revision of my 36th year reflections on what makes a good life:
1) Release anxiety around things you cannot change. Worrying literally changes nothing.
2) Surround yourself with people who share your deeply-held values.
3) Spend a lot of time by yourself. Take yourself on dates.
4) Get plenty of sleep, and don't wake up to an alarm unless you absolutely have to.
5) Intentionally engage in meaningful conversation. Do your best to avoid gossip and useless chatter (unless it's very funny, in which case it's totally fine.)
6) Practice yoga (almost) every day. When you can't practice, at least try to pay attention to your breath.
7) Allow yourself to be called to action by a cause that inspires you.
8) Speak out against any injustice you perceive. "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." (MLK)
9) Love the people you love as best you can, and tell them every chance you get how much you value and appreciate them.
10) Do work that satisfies your spirit and makes you feel like you're making a positive contribution to the world.
11) Let yourself be deeply seen, at least by the few people you trust to share that space with. Vulnerability is hard, but it's worth it.
12) Write a lot, whenever you feel like it, about whatever compels you. Share what you write if you want to, but understand that it doesn't matter whether anybody else wants to read it. Write because it makes you happy.
13) Ask endless questions, listen to the answers, and be open to learning from others.
14) Synthesize what you learn into carefully considered positions so that you aren't just parroting talking points, but rather expressing opinions that reflect your values.
15) Diversify your social circle. Make new friends. Keep the old ones that are still "your people", but understand and accept that the friendship tree needs occasional pruning. People grow apart, and that's okay.
16) Stop needing people to like you. It is far preferable to be respected, so the energy is better spent becoming a person worth respecting.
17) Be single for a while if you usually aren't. There is value in learning how to be alone.
18) If you are single and you want to have sex with people you aren't in a relationship with, you can totally do that (assuming they are free of obligation to others as well). Don't ever feel ashamed of sex, but do honor yourself by only sharing your body with people you trust and feel safe with.
19) Touch the people you love in the sweetest way you can manage. Always give good, two-arm hugs. Squeeze, don't pat.
20) Don't be motivated by money, because money is only a tool and has no intrinsic value. It is important to have some, of course, but it will never make you happy in and of itself. It's far better to be motivated by doing good work.
21) Be as honest but also as kind as possible with all of your communication. It is a delicate balance.
22) This includes communication with yourself, so be gentle with your self-talk. I saw a meme once that read, "Be nice to yourself. It's hard to be happy when someone's being mean to you all the time." So true.
23) Have a team of trusted advisors to consult with for major decisions, and make sure to keep some people on your team who are not afraid to challenge and call you out. You need those people.
24) Solicit advice and wisdom, and listen to it, but ultimately keep your own counsel. You know in your bones what is right for you.
25) Don't wait until you're "ready". If you wait until you feel prepared and fully qualified, you'll never do anything.
26) Perfection is not a thing. Strive to do your best, but skip the part where you have to make it perfect.
27) Sing loudly and often, if for no other reason than because it makes you happy. (If you happen to also get paid for singing, consider it a bonus.)
28) It is a gift when someone opens up to you; be a person others can trust with their innermost thoughts and feelings. Do not share words said to you in confidence.
29) Never intentionally cause harm, but take responsibility and apologize with sincerity when you accidentally do cause harm (because you will).
30) Accept all sincere apologies. In resolving conflict, always strive for a win-win. It rarely matters who was "right".
31) Do not respond to anything while you’re “in your feelings”, whether that feeling be hurt, anger, frustration, or irritation. If something pings your feelings, wait a minute before you reply, because anything you say immediately will just be reactionary.
32) Most things are not personal. I repeat: most things are not personal. Other people’s actions, largely, have nothing to do with you. Ask for clarification before you decide to take something personally.
33) Avoid passive-aggressiveness. That thing where you say it’s fine but it’s really not fine? Stop doing that. Own your needs, wants, and desires. State them clearly. Do not expect others to read your mind. You can’t get mad for not getting something you never asked for.
34) Love your body. All of it. It’s an amazing, beautiful thing and also it’s the only one you get. Keep in mind that any lover worth having will love all of you, including all the parts you're insecure about. Get out of your head. Worrying about how your body looks robs you and your lover of pleasures that are rightfully yours to enjoy.
35) Go out for a leisurely breakfast whenever you can. Morning coffee is the best part of every day; savor it.
36) Practice gratitude.
Monday, March 16, 2015
Superpowers.
So, I believe everybody has superpowers. I mean, clearly none of us can fly, or be invisible, or anything like that. Actual human "superpowers" are a bit less dramatic than that. But we do each have specific qualities that set us apart from others; our own unique idiosyncratic personality thumbprint, if you will.
To read this post, subscribe at its new home: www.patreon.com/amymiller
Thursday, March 5, 2015
Care & Feeding of the ENFJ
ENFJ: The Giver
2021 Update: HEY Y'ALL! This post has been working its way through the world since 2015. Since then, I wrote a book! It just came out a few weeks ago. You can learn more here or order it here or here.
2021 Update: HEY Y'ALL! This post has been working its way through the world since 2015. Since then, I wrote a book! It just came out a few weeks ago. You can learn more here or order it here or here.
The thing to know about the ENFJ is that they are feeling everything around them, all the time. They are like human emotional barometers. INFJ is too, but in a different way, in that INFJ is also picking up all the other stuff in the environment and the world; ENFJ is pretty exclusively tuned to the feelings frequency.
How this manifests is that ENFJ really wants you to be happy, and they will do whatever is needed to make you happy. This differs from people-pleasing, though, because it's about how it makes them feel to make you happy, not so much about trying to make you like them. It deeply satisfies ENFJ to provide emotional support, understanding, and practical help to the people they care about.
This can feel very intense (even uncomfortable) to the less-feeling types, so if you're dating an ENFJ and are experiencing this, it is important to note that it isn't a burden for them to do this. You don't need to feel guilty about how much energy your ENFJ partner puts into your well-being. They are very concerned about you. They want you to succeed and they feel very confident that they can help you. They are the "teacher" types; how this manifests is that much more than they want to give a man a fish, they want to teach him to fish.
They also (although most probably aren't conscious of this) really need to be validated. They want to help you (truly) but they also want to know that you see and appreciate their help. You should be mindful of offering verbal recognition for the all of the love and support they give, and be careful not to neglect taking care of their needs as well.
People are drawn to ENFJs. They exude an air of confidence and integrity and charisma. People believe them when they speak, and feel they can trust them to know and do what is best. They feel the ENFJ genuinely cares about them; people heavily rely on the ENFJs in their lives to support and empathize with them. And the ENFJ rises to this challenge with enthusiasm and grace and makes giving of themselves an art form that looks effortless.
This is a good thing, right?
Well. Kind of. Like anything, though, too much of a good thing...
To read the rest of this post, subscribe at: www.patreon.com/amymiller
How this manifests is that ENFJ really wants you to be happy, and they will do whatever is needed to make you happy. This differs from people-pleasing, though, because it's about how it makes them feel to make you happy, not so much about trying to make you like them. It deeply satisfies ENFJ to provide emotional support, understanding, and practical help to the people they care about.
This can feel very intense (even uncomfortable) to the less-feeling types, so if you're dating an ENFJ and are experiencing this, it is important to note that it isn't a burden for them to do this. You don't need to feel guilty about how much energy your ENFJ partner puts into your well-being. They are very concerned about you. They want you to succeed and they feel very confident that they can help you. They are the "teacher" types; how this manifests is that much more than they want to give a man a fish, they want to teach him to fish.
They also (although most probably aren't conscious of this) really need to be validated. They want to help you (truly) but they also want to know that you see and appreciate their help. You should be mindful of offering verbal recognition for the all of the love and support they give, and be careful not to neglect taking care of their needs as well.
This is a good thing, right?
Well. Kind of. Like anything, though, too much of a good thing...
To read the rest of this post, subscribe at: www.patreon.com/amymiller
Disclaimer: It is a subscription-based blog, but it's only $1/month (or $5-10 if you want allllll the content on the site). The idea behind this is that these posts are so popular that I could monetize them a tiny bit, because I have a 9 month old baby to feed, tbh.
I'm an NF type like you, so I hope you realize I'm not trying to "trick" anybody into anything. So don't go read the rest if you feel some kind of way about me charging $1 a month or are going to send me a mean email about how I'm a sellout. But if you get the idea that people pay for good stuff, and you want high-quality daily advice delivered to your inbox, then check it out. Read a bunch of public posts before you subscribe if you'd like. NF types especially will like my format, I think. Thank you! :)
Tuesday, February 24, 2015
Care & Feeding of the INFJ
INFJ: The Counselor
2021 Update: HEY Y'ALL! This post has been working its way through the world since 2015. Since then, I wrote a book! It just came out a few weeks ago. You can learn more here or order it here or here.
ALSO you can find out more about me (I AM AN EXPERT ON INFJ) www.rootsandkeyscoaching.com
So, for context, let me first say that when I asked a close friend for help writing this who is also an INFJ (as I am), she (half)-jokingly said, "Just write: you wouldn't understand" and leave it at that. (!!)
The INFJ is the enigma of the 16 types; it's the rarest (estimated at about 1% of the population) and certainly the most difficult to pin down descriptively, but I'll do my best.
If you are partnered with an INFJ, is important for you to understand that they are incredibly empathetic and sensitive, and that this is both a blessing and a curse. They do best with partners who are strong, steady, balanced, and healthy, because there is always a risk of the INFJ taking on negative emotions from their partners by virtue of this almost-pathological empathy. Too, the INFJ can get overwhelmed about the woes of the world. Without getting too new agey, the best way to explain it is that the INFJ is profoundly connected and responsive to the energy around them. They feel everything more deeply than most people do and are affected on a cellular level by the pain and suffering of others. It is not unusual for the INFJ to be moved to tears over the plights of strangers. They need a partner who sees and values this quality, because it is foundational to who they are at their core; anyone who isn't able to appreciate it or who finds it irksome will be experienced as rejecting the INFJ outright.
The INFJ is freakishly intuitive. This is probably the other most important thing to know, because ultimately it accounts for their "superpower", which looks a lot like psychic ability but is really just hyper-intuition. Get ready for the INFJ to basically read your mind all the time, tell you your business before you even know it, and routinely predict events that will come to pass.
This is largely an unconscious process, but the partner of an INFJ will probably realize at some point that at all times, the INFJ is reading the environment around them. They are taking the emotional temperature of everyone in the room, assessing body language, watching interactions, eavesdropping, sorting data, analyzing, questioning, filing new information, rejecting old information, looking for patterns. Constantly vigilant of everything and endlessly receiving data. (This sounds like a lot of work, but for INFJ it is effortless and reflexive; it's just what their brains do.)
The INFJ is the enigma of the 16 types; it's the rarest (estimated at about 1% of the population) and certainly the most difficult to pin down descriptively, but I'll do my best.
If you are partnered with an INFJ, is important for you to understand that they are incredibly empathetic and sensitive, and that this is both a blessing and a curse. They do best with partners who are strong, steady, balanced, and healthy, because there is always a risk of the INFJ taking on negative emotions from their partners by virtue of this almost-pathological empathy. Too, the INFJ can get overwhelmed about the woes of the world. Without getting too new agey, the best way to explain it is that the INFJ is profoundly connected and responsive to the energy around them. They feel everything more deeply than most people do and are affected on a cellular level by the pain and suffering of others. It is not unusual for the INFJ to be moved to tears over the plights of strangers. They need a partner who sees and values this quality, because it is foundational to who they are at their core; anyone who isn't able to appreciate it or who finds it irksome will be experienced as rejecting the INFJ outright.
The INFJ is freakishly intuitive. This is probably the other most important thing to know, because ultimately it accounts for their "superpower", which looks a lot like psychic ability but is really just hyper-intuition. Get ready for the INFJ to basically read your mind all the time, tell you your business before you even know it, and routinely predict events that will come to pass.
This is largely an unconscious process, but the partner of an INFJ will probably realize at some point that at all times, the INFJ is reading the environment around them. They are taking the emotional temperature of everyone in the room, assessing body language, watching interactions, eavesdropping, sorting data, analyzing, questioning, filing new information, rejecting old information, looking for patterns. Constantly vigilant of everything and endlessly receiving data. (This sounds like a lot of work, but for INFJ it is effortless and reflexive; it's just what their brains do.)
This can be off-putting to people who misinterpret it as a judging function. It is not. Despite the "J" in the name, INFJ is decidedly not a judging type. They get the "J" because what gets extraverted (shown to the world) is a decision-making function, extraverted feeling. But they are actually a classic prospecting type, with some vast majority of their energy going towards (neutral) information-gathering. As such, yes, they technically are analyzing you, but it's not intentional, and ultimately it stems from a deep desire to understand you (and everyone/everything else).
They have enormous stores of information in their internal files, much of which they aren't conscious of, and can pull out details they didn't even know they observed, mostly about "vibes" and "impressions" (more so than they'll recall verbatim conversations or sensory details). INFJs can, with uncanny accuracy, "just know" things. This is their greatest strength and what can make them so interesting to partner with.
All of this is to say, it is true that INFJs have the busiest brains out there, but they should not be misinterpreted as simple over-thinkers. Very little of this energy is wasted. While there is a certain amount of navel-gazing in any of the NF types, when an INFJ is at their best (i.e., not in the grips of some emotionally-stunting funk) they are more often than not pondering large, complex, abstract ideas and trying to grapple with philosophical or moral dilemmas (rather than just stewing about how they personally feel about stuff, although of course the more neurotic INFJs will do quite a lot of this too). Basically, if you peered inside their brains at any given moment, you'd be astounded at the amount of activity going on all the time.
There is a certain wisdom to the INFJ that people respond to favorably, like, "this person seems to know what they're talking about." You can take your INFJ to a dinner party, so long as it's a relatively small group, and trust that they will connect with people and probably end up with several new friends or business contacts. People generally like INFJs, even if they aren't quite sure what to make of them or even find them awkward at first, or slow to warm up.
Anyway, that clarity of vision and depth is a quality they very much value in themselves, and as such they will be deeply hurt by an offhanded comment such as "you think too much" or "you're so serious". (Advice: don't ever say any of that to an INFJ).
They have enormous stores of information in their internal files, much of which they aren't conscious of, and can pull out details they didn't even know they observed, mostly about "vibes" and "impressions" (more so than they'll recall verbatim conversations or sensory details). INFJs can, with uncanny accuracy, "just know" things. This is their greatest strength and what can make them so interesting to partner with.
All of this is to say, it is true that INFJs have the busiest brains out there, but they should not be misinterpreted as simple over-thinkers. Very little of this energy is wasted. While there is a certain amount of navel-gazing in any of the NF types, when an INFJ is at their best (i.e., not in the grips of some emotionally-stunting funk) they are more often than not pondering large, complex, abstract ideas and trying to grapple with philosophical or moral dilemmas (rather than just stewing about how they personally feel about stuff, although of course the more neurotic INFJs will do quite a lot of this too). Basically, if you peered inside their brains at any given moment, you'd be astounded at the amount of activity going on all the time.
There is a certain wisdom to the INFJ that people respond to favorably, like, "this person seems to know what they're talking about." You can take your INFJ to a dinner party, so long as it's a relatively small group, and trust that they will connect with people and probably end up with several new friends or business contacts. People generally like INFJs, even if they aren't quite sure what to make of them or even find them awkward at first, or slow to warm up.
Anyway, that clarity of vision and depth is a quality they very much value in themselves, and as such they will be deeply hurt by an offhanded comment such as "you think too much" or "you're so serious". (Advice: don't ever say any of that to an INFJ).
What makes those type of comments sting so much is that the one thing INFJs want more than anything is to be understood fully, and they genuinely try to make themselves known to the people they care about. But they get frustrated and hurt when most people still just don't get them. And any of the aforementioned comments reflect a lack of a) understanding and b) appreciation for the unique perspective of the INFJ.
*********TO READ THE REST AND ALL THE OTHER INFJ STUFF (which is a lot): CLICK HERE https://www.patreon.com/posts/24043625********
*********TO READ THE REST AND ALL THE OTHER INFJ STUFF (which is a lot): CLICK HERE https://www.patreon.com/posts/24043625********
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(it's worth it, I promise!) Here's a video I made about MBTI: https://www.patreon.com/posts/14110909Monday, February 23, 2015
Care & Feeding of the INFP
INFP: The Healer
2021 Update: HEY Y'ALL! This post has been working its way through the world since 2015. Since then, I wrote a book! It just came out a few weeks ago. You can learn more here or order it here or here.
The most helpful thing to understand about INFP is that they are first and foremost deeply introverted. They are also incredibly sensitive. Some vast majority of their cognitive energy is spent simply feeling their feelings.
And they have so.many.feelings.
This is actually quite a lot of work on an energetic level, and can be exhausting for the INFP, particularly for INFPs who haven't developed skill or comfort expressing themselves, because then basically their whole life is happening inside their heads. The INFP is private and guarded naturally, so even the well-developed INFP is often reticent to express their deepest feelings. When they do, it would behoove their partner to lean in, get comfortable, and listen carefully. The INFP will clam right back up if they feel remotely judged, criticized, or unheard, and it will be a long while before they try again with you. (If they ever do).
It is not uncommon to find INFPs who habitually isolate themselves or push people away, often because they had negative relationship experiences in the past or even just because they fear negative experiences. (Remember they are extremely sensitive, so deep emotional wounds can take a long time to heal). A wounded INFP will protect that rich internal landscape with the tenacity of a pack of junkyard dogs. Admittedly, these self-protective INFPs are hard to build relationships with, but it is not impossible with patience, time, and practical affection.
And I will add here that it is entirely worth it, because any INFP is a wonderful partner when you really snag one. They will give you all the space and understanding you need, a quality that is especially valuable if you're a big, weird extravert who struggles to find a partner who accepts you fully. An INFP will embrace your idiosyncrasies willingly; in fact, they tend to prefer "weird" or unconventional people. And once they trust you, they actually like it when you encourage them to get outside of themselves. They can be hilarious, silly, fun, playful partners. They can be wonderful performers and storytellers, in part due to their rich imaginations. They are also great with kids, in part because they are somewhat childlike and innocent themselves. They do well with bright, optimistic, cheerful, peaceful, steady, independent partners who are undaunted by their dark spells.
Because INFPs (even under the best of circumstances) are prone to dark spells, depression, and self-pity. They are very hard on themselves and prone to feeling guilty or ashamed and getting stuck in cycles of feeling this way. And they will usually withdraw when they are hurt or overwhelmed. It's just how they are. So a partner of an INFP has to learn to curb the urge to draw them out forcefully, because it won't work. They will actually be most likely to dig their heels in and retreat further if you try to force them to open up when they don't want to or aren't ready. That said, they do need your encouragement to come back from the dark side, especially if you have done or said something to contribute to their shutdown. You will need to gently inquire as to what's going on with them, and what you can do or say to make it better, and wait patiently until they are ready to talk to you about it.
I know that sounds confusing.
Here's another way to say it: https://www.patreon.com/posts/care-and-feeding-8768336
THE REMAINING PARAGRAPHS (of which there are many) HAVE MOVED TO THEIR NEW HOME
https://www.patreon.com/posts/24006613
https://www.patreon.com/posts/24006613
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