Differentiating between the NF types 101

All the iNtuitive Feeler types have a strong idealistic streak and a desire to make the world a better place. They are all, to varying degrees, empathetic, caring, curious about people, and interested in deep connection with others. They tend to be progressive and socially liberal, as they are able to understand, care for, and worry about people they don't personally know, and they are also able to hold conflicting ideas in mind at once. They enjoy meaningful conversation, understand abstract concepts and "possibilities", frequently employ the use of metaphor, and tend to approach the world from a humanist perspective. That is to say, having and understanding relationships are of paramount importance in their lives, whether intimately or generally. They tend to approach the world from the angle of we are all one "human family". 

That being said, I have a 95% success rate at determining which of the NF types a person is based on a few key words/phrases/concepts and by paying attention to what the person seems most concerned about or interested in. (Seriously- almost every new client I have gets an email from me later saying "Does this sound like you?" with a link to one of my blog posts and almost always the response back is OMG HOW DID YOU DO THAT. I've also typed many of you simply based on your statuses and how you interact on FB). Here's some shorthand: 

This post has moved to its new home. To read the rest, go to: https://www.patreon.com/posts/8820389

Disclaimer: It is a subscription-based blog, but it's only $1/month (or $5-10 if you want allllll the content on the site). The idea behind this is that these posts are so popular that I could monetize them a tiny bit, because I have a 9 month old baby to feed, tbh. 

I'm an NF type like you, so I hope you realize I'm not trying to "trick" anybody into anything. So don't go read the rest if you feel some kind of way about me charging $1 a month or are going to send me a mean email about how I'm a sellout. But if you get the idea that people pay for good stuff, and you want high-quality daily advice delivered to your inbox, then check it out. Read a bunch of public posts before you subscribe if you'd like. NF types especially will like my format, I think. Thank you! :) 

SO- here's a shameless marketing plug: I do distance coaching now, and can do specific MBTI convos to help you figure out what type you are. Email me: amy@Millercounseling.org to schedule a call. :) :) :) 

IF YOU FOUND THIS USEFUL, PLEASE SUPPORT THE WORK: https://www.patreon.com/amymiller

Gentle Reminder

I hate to come at people with "shoulds" but I think this one is important for us all to be reminded of on occasion: 

**Healthy relationships should be relatively easy.** 

It should not feel like a ton of work all of the time. It should not be like pulling teeth to effectively communicate. You should not have to fight to be heard. There will probably be rough patches, but the overarching nature of the relationship should be that it is your soft place to land at the end of a hard day. It should not be the hard part.

If you found this useful, please support the work at www.patreon.com/amymiller

Advice for Online Dating

I have a lot of clients who are, with varying degrees of effort and success, attempting to find relationships via online dating resources. They're on Match, OK Cupid, PoF, Tinder, Bumble (to name a few). 

In full disclosure, I did online dating off and on for several years and found it both frustrating and fruitful, depending on my attitude at the time. I did, however, pretty consistently have what one might call "success" at it, and so from that perspective I'm happy to offer suggestions. I made a lot of friends, as well, and as such had many fascinating conversations about online dating and what people's different experiences of it were. There were some pretty consistent themes that arose, and so I feel confident that this could, if nothing else, give people new perspective. Take or leave these tips based on what feels authentic to you, because that is my #1 piece of advice. 

So without further ado: 

1) Be YOU. Make sure that your photos, bio, quotes, etc all reflect an authentic version of yourself. You don't have to disclose everything up front, of course, but if what you're interested in is connecting with another human on a meaningful level, you have to present yourself accurately from day one. Few things feel more uncomfortable in the online dating world than to discover upon meeting someone in person that they are not at all who/how they presented themselves. To me, the greatest compliment one can give or receive in these endeavors is "You are exactly the same in person." I heard this a lot from men, in a surprised and appreciative way. This leads me to believe many others people are not presenting themselves super accurately. So...be YOU, always. The right person is going to like you for exactly who you are. Also, remember that keeping up a facade is a LOT of work. Ain't nobody got time for that in 2017. 

2) To that end, put recent photos up only, unless you indicate in the caption what is different now or what year the photo was taken. Most of us do not look how we looked ten years ago, for better or worse, and so to present yourself as a younger or thinner or more fashionable version of yourself is false advertising, which we want to always avoid. 

3) Ladies, you need to know that men see it as a huge red flag if all of your photos are just of your face (especially if it's a heavily made-up face). For better or worse, they assume it means your body is ______ (something you don't want to show). Make sure you have full body photos on your page. They don't have to be sexy or in any way specifically intended to show off your body, just make sure there is a photo that shows accurately what you look like. This may seem shallow, but remember that we are all going off our first impressions, and we generally have to find the way someone looks appealing on some level in order to be attracted to them. Don't be mad that men want to know what your body looks like. Many of them have felt tricked into going out with women they normally wouldn't be interested in, so they are understandably wary if their experience suggests they might be duped again.  

4) Similarly, men, you need to know that if all your photos are selfies, that's a red flag. That suggests (to me, at least) that you don't have any friends to hang out with or to ask to take a picture of you at least. Put a group shot up if the people in it are comfortable with it (if that's all you have) or have a pal take a normal-looking photo of you that isn't in the gym or bathroom mirror. One or two of those is fine but not a whole series of them. We get it, you work out. We get it, you have abs. We get it, you use the bathroom. Whatever. We don't care as much as you think we do about your body. We care more about knowing you have friends/family who love you and spend time with you. Or that you've been interesting places or done things besides taken photos of yourself in mirrors. 

5) Write about yourself in your profile. Don't just talk about what you want or don't want in another person. Give the people reading your profile information about YOU. What do you do for fun, for sport, for entertainment? Where do you like to go? What are some interesting quirky facts about you? What are your favorite things? Think of it more as a resume' and less as a help wanted ad. Say who you are, and a person who is looking for someone with your qualities is going to express interest. 

6) On that note, please do not write your whole profile bashing all the men/women you've encountered so far. Talking about catfishing and whatnot or making threats like "You have to do ____" in order for me to even talk to you. Don't litter it with endless "don't be _____" and "don't bother messaging me if _____" and "no games" and negative/defensive garbage like that. That just makes you sound bitter and as if you've been on these sites for a million years and you're all weary about it. It also can make you sound impossible to please and little fun to be around. I would always suggest you make effort to sound like you're actually excited to meet new people. That's why you're on the sites in the first place, so be open to it actually happening instead of constantly poised to defend against imposters or expecting to be lied to or manipulated. For the record, I went out with a fairly large number of men over the years, and every single person was who they said they were. Most of them looked like their photos. It's not as common as you might think to be fake out by people in real life. 

7) THIS CONTENT HAS MOVED!!!!!!
READ 7-15 at www.patreon.com/amymiller

UPDATES ON NEW PHONE COACHING

So, I tried it, and it didn't suck. I have had four distance coaching sessions since I posted the update a couple of weeks ago, and each one went really well. It helped that they were all NF types, so communication wasn't a struggle. 

What I realized today on my call was that what I can probably best offer is merely objective problem-solving assistance. Like, if you have an issue or problem and you just want an extra set of eyes on it, you schedule a phone call with me. You tell me the problem, I give you advice, and we may or may not ever speak again, but we both feel good about it. 

I can also do ongoing coaching, but I wanted to add and encourage the option of just being that random long-distance friendly voice you call when you need some advice. I can also do a consult on personality types or relationships. 

Email me if you want to know more or schedule a call. Again, it's $75 for a 45 minute call, and you PayPal me when we schedule the call to hold the slot, and then you call me at that designated time. If you've ever done actual therapy with a bad therapist at up to $250 an hour for weeks/months/years, you know that $75 is a steal if you actually feel like it helped you!!!!!!! I hope to always leave you feeling that way. :) 

Be well, y'all. Things are good in my world. I know I haven't updated here a lot, but I'll try to get better now that the baby is a little older and less constantly-needful. 

NEW SERVICE: Distance Coaching

Readers of my blog frequently contact me for distance coaching from faraway lands (like Oklahoma and Texas, most recently). Historically, I've declined for a variety of reasons, but for 2017 I've decided to try it. 

SO! For those of you not in St Louis who still wish to receive coaching from me, I am adding a telephone option with a few variations on my usual style: 

1) These sessions will be slightly shorter and less costly than standard in-person sessions, but will not be subject to sliding fee scale. 

2) They also will be called "coaching" rather than "therapy" because I cannot adequately attend to your mental health needs from a distance; if you need what would traditionally be considered "therapy" for a mood disorder or other issue, please understand that I will not be a good fit for you to meet those needs. What I can help you with via telephone coaching are everyday problems, relationship issues, and what we might call "existential crises". 

3) The other significant difference is that rather than exchange credit card info via insecure means like email, I'll only accept payments via PayPal.  (COST: $75 for 45 minutes) 

Please email me with questions or to schedule a conversation. I look forward to connecting with you in 2017!  

www.millercounseling.org

UPDATED CLASS SCHEDULE!!!!!!!!!!

Regularly Scheduled Classes

Use Words (aka Say What The F*** You Mean)

Saturday, 3/4 1-3 p.m. 

Practical, real-life strategies for communicating more clearly and confidently 

The art of apologizing (and why it matters)

How to identify and avoid passive-aggressive behavior

Learning to name your feelings and ask for what you need 

How To Do Conflict Well (aka Don’t Be An A**hole)

Saturday, 3/25 1-3 p.m. 

Reframing conflict as a positive, healthy aspect of any relationship

Learning how to bypass defensiveness in yourself and others

How to engage in and resolve difficult conversations with kindness and respect

30+ useful tips and tools you can put into practice immediately 

Boundaries 

Saturday, 2/11 1-3 p.m. 

Defining boundaries: what are they and why are they important

What happens when we fail in setting boundaries 

Examining your own struggles to establish and maintain boundaries

Strategies for change 

Personality Types 101 

Saturday, 2/18 1-3 p.m. 

Introduction to Myers-Briggs Personality Type and Jungian temperament theory

Basic understanding of cognitive functions

How to type yourself and others accurately, why it’s useful, and its limitations

General overview of all 16 types and their frequency 

One-Time Bonus Classes/Workshops 

Communication for New and Expectant Parents 

Saturday, 3/11 1-3 p.m. 

Exploring common communication issues for couples 

Naming specific relationship stressors of pregnancy and childbirth

Strategies for navigating the unique challenges of new parenthood 

Tips and tools for handling conflict as it arises

Fine print: All classes are held at our offices in Webster Groves. Prices vary, but full payment is required for registration, via PayPal, check, cash, or credit/debit card. No refunds are offered once registration is complete, but class registration is always transferrable to another person, date, or class. 

Please email amy@millercounseling.org with any questions or to register.

www.millercounseling.org

Baby Blues

I loveloveLOVE being a mommy. I look at Zoe and my heart explodes with the kind of love I literally had no idea was possible. This may sound silly, but I am entirely certain that she was a meant-to-be addition to my life. I feel no ambivalence at all about the decision to have her, and I believe in my bones that she is perfect for me, for us, and for the world.

And

(Not but)

AND...

It's really hard. I've been struggling much more than I've shared publicly (because mom guilt.) But it's really important to me that I live authentically everywhere, even on social media and at work and on my counseling blog. So I'll admit that this hasn't been an entirely smooth transition for me, and that I routinely grieve the death of my independence and freedom. (I didn't want to admit this in particular because so many people annoyingly reminded me when I announced my pregnancy that "you know you can't just sleep whenever you want anymore!" and "you won't be able to go to breakfast and out for wine and travel all the time anymore!" and I was all confidently "it'll be fine" but turns out that part actually really sucks).

Hanging with the baby, I often get bored and lonely and overstimulated all at once. I cycle between feeling joyous and awed to feeling resentful and sad. I cry a lot, often for no reason I can adequately articulate. I probably frustrate Rodney (although he doesn't let on) because I move so quickly through my feelings and moods. The other day I literally googled "Postpartum cyclothymia" to see if that was a thing, because I felt myself cycling so rapidly between OMG THIS SUCKS and OMG I LOVE HER.

But then I had breakfast with a mom friend the other day who made me feel way better about this. She said she's pretty sure everybody feels some iteration of that cycle, but that some people don't talk about it and other people don't even recognize it. She said basically that it's impossible to feel like you have it all together all the time when you're raising little ones, especially when they're little tiny babies and can't say any words, and that it's unreasonable to expect that of yourself (myself).

Side note: hormones certainly play a role in all this too, but to greater or lesser degrees depending on your sensitivity to hormonal shifts.

So, with all that being said, I am working on some *intentional* shifts and changes; I offer them as suggestions for you as well if you're struggling with anything similar.

One shift is trying to mindfully, lovingly, gently remember that I am no longer in control of my life in the same way as I was. And being kind to myself when I remember that I spent 37 years being in charge of just myself and doing whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I mean, I had *decided* not to have children. Given that I took such an extreme turn on my planned trajectory, I'm trying to keep in mind that this is all pretty normal insofar as I am in a pretty predictable grieving process (for my old life) and it takes time to surrender to the new way things are. So I'm trying to be patient with myself and stop holding on so tightly to my freedom. To see this as a new kind of freedom. I'm raising this amazing, beautiful, hilarious baby with a wonderful partner (a partner who incidentally strongly encourages me to still "be a person"). While this life wasn't my "plan", I can't say it's not a pretty great accident. I can honestly say I would not change it, if I were given the option. So I have to constantly reframe, shift, let go. (I have control issues, so this is hard af).

Another shift is more self-care and working on not feeling badly when I prioritize self-care, especially since my partner is so supportive of me doing this. So I am going out of town this week for 2 days while Zoe hangs with her daddy (with his blessing). I'm going to sleep in and read books and drink wine and talk to my very wise mom friend Geneva and laze about. I will miss my family, but I *need* a small break where I'm far enough away that I can't feel guilty and come back. And, I think missing them will be good for me, to remind me what I have to come home to.

I've also been to yoga four days in a row; I realized that when I'm not moving my body regularly, I feel extra super terrible and have even less resilience to stress. Since Zoe was born, I haven't felt good in my body at all. In addition to the expected pain associated with C-section surgery, and even after that faded, I've felt stiff and sore and old and fat. I have joked that it feels like I got a body transplant from somebody's grandma. But I felt guilty (there's that theme again) prioritizing yoga when I could/should be spending time with Zoe or doing laundry or giving Rodney a break or developing a new money-making endeavor or whatever. It felt frivolous. But that's dumb because doing yoga at my beloved studio actually *makes me happy*; just one hour a day there has made a huge difference already.

I also reached out to a new therapist, because having somebody on deck who can give me perspective is helpful. I called my OB and got back on the antidepressant I was on before I got pregnant, because I believe that while medicine doesn't solve everything, it's a wonderful addition to a self-care regimen if/when you need it. Reminder: mental health is not separate from physical health, and requires the same attention and maintenance.

I intentionally go to bed super early, so that when the baby wakes up early and needs me I don't feel so irritated (because that makes me feel guilty too).

I am writing more and reaching out to friends more. I'm trying to make more plans with mom/dad friends who "get" it and won't be annoyed by the presence of a baby and/or the attending needs/unpredictability.

I am writing this and sharing it on my counseling blog in part because it helps me to process in writing, but also to offer support to other new parents who may be struggling with the transition or any part before or after. I personally found pregnancy challenging, childbirth traumatic, and the first months of parenting difficult. It's given me so much perspective I didn't have before, though! I will add to my list of services: Pregnancy, Postpartum, and Parenting Transition Struggles. I mean, I had opinions about parenthood and how to do it before I had Zoe, but I realize now that with all my good intentions, I had no idea what I was actually talking about from an 'in-the-trenches' perspective. Everything is new and different now. It takes time to adjust, and I'd be happy to help anyone else with their adjustment, in part for selfish reasons: because in helping others heal, I often end up healing myself.

If you're in a similar place, and don't have someone you trust to work through it with: http://millercounseling.blogspot.com/2016/12/new-service-distance-coaching.html