Men & Sex.

Many of you know from my previous posts that I think men are fascinating creatures and I am deeply intellectually curious about maleness and masculinity. Many of my best friends and many of my clients are men, and so I've had the privilege of digging deeply into some issues pertinent to men that as a woman I might otherwise have never realized were there. I'm also interested in sex (in general) and work with a lot of clients (and talk to my friends) in this area as well. Most commonly, I will say that women report dissatisfaction with something about the *actual sex*, whereas men report dissatisfaction with the frequency. When there seems to be a disconnect in a couples' sexual desire or enjoyment or basic compatibility, I find that it often is actually rooted in some emotional disconnect.

I've written before that I think our culture does men innumerable grave disservices when it comes to socialization around the expression of feelings and development of emotional intelligence. They also receive mixed messages as to what is expected of them. We women often inadvertently contribute to the confusion they report feeling: we want men to be tough, but tender. Emotional, but not too much. Be there for us, but not smothering. Nurturing, but still "a man" (whatever that means).

Walk an impossible tightrope, but make sure you stand up straight and don't cry while you're (inevitably) falling off.

I've also written before that I believe men have the same capacity for love, empathy, emotional responsiveness, sensuality, and tenderness (etc) that women have, but that we often fail to teach them how to access them, much less how to healthily express themselves in these ways. This can result in myriad dysfunctions including deep unhappiness, anger, frustration, and/or this profound sense of emptiness/loneliness many men report experiencing. I opine that it impacts the sexual relationship between men and women as well. (I am sure it also impacts same-sex relationships in both similar and different ways, but for the purposes of this post, I am referring specifically to hetero sex).

My thoughts are that in general, we don't do a good job of socializing men to be able to genuinely connect with women sexually. This becomes problematic in relationships because for many women, emotions and sex are inextricable. So when a woman feels emotionally disconnected, sex is likely to be less enjoyable (and become less of a priority, because why bother if it doesn't feel good?)

Many men do not realize that they could/should be doing sex with an eye to the ways it specifically works best for women, or to be intuitive and flexible and to pay attention to each woman's *unique* sexual energy. Like it or not, women's bodies are mysterious and wonderful things that are far less straightforward in their responses and their needs/wants/desires than men. What worked perfectly for one woman may leave another woman completely unsatisfied, and thus, relying on one's "tried and true methods" is often a recipe for disappointment.

Because of the pressures they feel in the world and the way they are programmed to behave out there, I find that men often don't know how to dramatically shift gears in their intimate relationships. Men can have a tendency to approach sex as if it is a "performance" (thereby placing too much pressure on outcome at the expense of being fully present) or as if it is a list of tasks to be completed (rendering sexual contact transactional at best).

Too, whether they are conscious of it or not, it is true that some men have absorbed (to greater or lesser extents) the mores of the porn industry and a misogynistic culture that teaches men that women are there to provide pleasure for them. Unfortunately, nothing about porn is relevant to real sex, and misogyny is a fully dysfunctional lens through which to view heterosexual sexuality. As such, men have to essentially undo most of what they are taught. Men also have to basically start with a fully blank slate with each new female partner in order to connect sexually with women in a way that legitimately prioritizes **her** and how she feels. I think that men also (simultaneously) have to consciously reject the idea that tenderness and generosity in a sexual context isn't "masculine".

Anecdotally, it seems to me that most women do not enjoy aggressive or rough sex all of the time (some do, of course, but I always wonder if that is inherent or whether that's somehow related to how we are socialized to do it the way we think men like it?) but then again, as a result of their personal lived experiences of sex, many women also probably think that's just how sex is. This is a vicious cycle considering many men do not know how to access the more intuitive, emotional aspects of themselves that would permit deep intimacy, and many women do not know how to ask for it or that it is even there. I have often said that sex is easy, but intimacy is hard.

From what I have gathered from my work and my personal life, it seems fair to say that a man who is great in bed is one who makes her feel like his female partner's pleasure is *the* most important thing to him. It's a win-win, because women who feel respected and adored and prioritized are more likely to be open and generous lovers in return. And frankly, men are *most likely* going to get theirs regardless. (No, it's not as easy for some men as it is for others, but hopefully we can agree that as a general rule, male orgasm is a less complex and elusive thing than the female orgasm). Because 70%+ of women can't get off from intercourse alone, sometimes women end up feeling like there is something wrong with us because it takes more/longer/different than it takes men. And I will say that some men are very attached to the idea that their penis should make every woman automatically fully satisfied. It is simply not possible for many women, so for men to be disappointed (or worse, to make her feel it's a failing on her part) is a complete waste of energy and a guaranteed way to interrupt the potential for deep sexual connection.

It also seems like a major component to sexual dissatisfaction is the simple fact that a lot of men have internalized the idea that male sexuality is the norm, and female the aberration. In fact, this only speaks to the socialization/indoctrination of and by a male-dominated world, not actual reality. I feel like if we taught men how to more easily access their emotions, they might find it easier to accept a shift towards connecting a more "feminine" way, and to pay attention to their female partners in a deeper way.

Please note: nothing I've said is intended to criticize men; again, it's largely a result of a culture-wide acceptance of male sexuality as the norm coupled with our unreasonable/inconsistent expectations of men that causes this disconnect.

self-care

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Alignment

Do you ever feel just sort of generally off? As if you are out of alignment in some fundamental way? As if you are somehow out of step with the people around you, or with your career, or in your Relationship?

I use the word "alignment" a lot in my counseling practice. It's something I started thinking about specifically in my yoga practice, but which has analogously expanded to account for much of the unhappiness I see in the people around me.

In yoga, there is great emphasis placed on proper alignment of the body in the postures. In my early years of practicing, I tried to follow the instruction to the letter, because I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I thought that was how to "do it right". I thought my body was wrong, and yoga was right, and that I needed to re-shape my natural physical tendencies in order to "be good at" yoga. Consequently, I practiced for years without consideration to the needs of *my particular body,* and as a result actually created new dis-ease and discomfort and even injury.

What I learned over time (and after several minor injuries that required me to modify my movements) was that the alignment instruction is a guideline. It's a prescriptive set of instructions that is generically designed for the human body *in general*. Not every body is going to be able to do every posture the same way. I had to learn through mindfulness which instructions worked for me and which caused me discomfort, and do it the way it works for me. The teacher is there as a guide and a support, but ultimately I am completely responsible for how I move my body, and for keeping it safe, and I honor it much more by listening to it. Just because (for example) most people keep their leg straight during a pose doesn't mean I don't need a microbend in my knee to achieve the pose safely.

Get what I'm saying? Once I figured out that *my* correct alignment was specific to me and my body, and I stopped trying to force myself into every pose the way you're "supposed" to, I found a great deal more freedom and movement and relief of the pain I was feeling.

It has been my experience that much human discontent is born of similar misalignment, but of the spirit rather than the body. When people report feeling unhappy, or restless, or even just vaguely dissatisfied with their job or relationship or Life, and we dig into what's going on, we often find that the problem is that they are not quite on the right path *for them*. They may have done all the "right" things, and be making a lot of money, or have an attractive spouse, or live in a large home, or whatever, but that does not equate to "happiness" for many people.

With prescriptive ideas in our culture about the "right" way to go about thing or the "traditional" trajectory of life, many of us just agree to do it the way it's done because we don't even know there's another way. But at some point, if we are out of alignment with our true nature, we will begin to feel it. It will begin to show up just beneath the surface. We may feel edgy, or impatient, or irritable, or depressed, but not really know why. We may act out. We may cheat on our spouses or use harsh words with our children. We may over-eat or drink too much or become addicted to sex or pornography. In my experience, most behavior like that (especially around mid-life) is probably symptomatic of misalignment.

Examples:

Oftentimes, people who are very sensitive and emotional get messages early on that they shouldn't be that way. So they push aside their feelings and they "toughen up". They stop responding in the ways that have been called "sensitive" or "emotional." But that doesn't actually make them less sensitive. Instead, it just stunts their growth. In denying a fundamental part of themselves, the way they develop then naturally fails to equip them with coping strategies for their sensitivity, because it's become buried and is not welcome as an outward display. These people will likely have a reduced tolerance for emotional discomfort and be either very emotionally cut off or extremely volatile. They literally may not recognize themselves in descriptions like "sensitive" or "emotional" because they have spent their lives fighting their basic nature and building a new, more acceptable version of themselves. That is an example of misalignment.

Or, oftentimes people who are very creative get messages early on that being creative is not very "practical" or that they will "never make any money that way". The thing that they are very good at or love dearly may be (consciously or unconsciously) devalued by the people around them who believe in the traditional trajectory of life, and so these creative people may begin to see how they will not receive the approval they may seek by pursuing those "less practical" fields. So they may abandon their creative endeavors and go into business or banking or become lawyers, despite the fact that they are actually not that interested in those fields. They may be very successful at lawyering or banking, but lingering beneath the surface is a vague dissatisfaction, because what they were *made* to be was a writer, or an artist, or a musician. So their whole life is sort of vaguely infused with a sense of being in the wrong place. And these people may make a lot of money, and have a lifestyle that requires them to continue along this path, but they can't shake that feeling that this isn't where they really want to be. This is another example of misalignment.

So. Think of the ways in which you may be living out of alignment. Are there places in your life that you keep forcing yourself to "fit" that you just don't? Are there relationships that you feel out of synch in? Is your career a good fit for your temperament? Do you feel satisfied when you look at your achievements? Did you forge your own path or are you following one you felt pressured to follow? Are you in the right place *for you*? Do you tune in to yourself when those vague inklings of dissatisfaction pop up? Take an inventory: are there places you can make adjustments that might move you into closer alignment with your true nature? You will feel great relief if you are able to do this. It's like when you get used to a chronic pain or discomfort to the point that you don't even notice until it suddenly goes away and you are like "OH MY GOD I FORGOT HOW GOOD I COULD FEEL."

You can tell you're in perfect alignment when what you're doing or who you're doing it with feels natural, comfortable, safe, and does not require extreme energy expenditure to maintain. When you feel as if you can breathe and move freely and authentically. If that's not how you feel, aspire to it. It's possible.

Forgiveness.

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Grief (published by Elephant Journal)

I wrote this:

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/grief/

My first officially published blog post!

Check it out here: http://www.elephantjournal.com/2015/06/how-yoga-has-grounded-me-in-my-body-and-anchored-my-spirit/

36 things in 36 years.

A much-belated revision of my 36th year reflections on what makes a good life:

1) Release anxiety around things you cannot change. Worrying literally changes nothing.

2) Surround yourself with people who share your deeply-held values.

3) Spend a lot of time by yourself. Take yourself on dates.

4) Get plenty of sleep, and don't wake up to an alarm unless you absolutely have to.

5) Intentionally engage in meaningful conversation. Do your best to avoid gossip and useless chatter (unless it's very funny, in which case it's totally fine.)

6) Practice yoga (almost) every day. When you can't practice, at least try to pay attention to your breath.

7) Allow yourself to be called to action by a cause that inspires you.

8) Speak out against any injustice you perceive. "Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." (MLK)

9) Love the people you love as best you can, and tell them every chance you get how much you value and appreciate them.

10) Do work that satisfies your spirit and makes you feel like you're making a positive contribution to the world.

11) Let yourself be deeply seen, at least by the few people you trust to share that space with. Vulnerability is hard, but it's worth it.

12) Write a lot, whenever you feel like it, about whatever compels you. Share what you write if you want to, but understand that it doesn't matter whether anybody else wants to read it. Write because it makes you happy.

13) Ask endless questions, listen to the answers, and be open to learning from others.

14) Synthesize what you learn into carefully considered positions so that you aren't just parroting talking points, but rather expressing opinions that reflect your values.

15) Diversify your social circle. Make new friends. Keep the old ones that are still "your people", but understand and accept that the friendship tree needs occasional pruning. People grow apart, and that's okay.

16) Stop needing people to like you. It is far preferable to be respected, so the energy is better spent becoming a person worth respecting.

17) Be single for a while if you usually aren't. There is value in learning how to be alone.

18) If you are single and you want to have sex with people you aren't in a relationship with, you can totally do that (assuming they are free of obligation to others as well). Don't ever feel ashamed of sex, but do honor yourself by only sharing your body with people you trust and feel safe with.

19) Touch the people you love in the sweetest way you can manage. Always give good, two-arm hugs. Squeeze, don't pat.

20) Don't be motivated by money, because money is only a tool and has no intrinsic value. It is important to have some, of course, but it will never make you happy in and of itself. It's far better to be motivated by doing good work.

21) Be as honest but also as kind as possible with all of your communication. It is a delicate balance.

22) This includes communication with yourself, so be gentle with your self-talk. I saw a meme once that read, "Be nice to yourself. It's hard to be happy when someone's being mean to you all the time." So true.

23) Have a team of trusted advisors to consult with for major decisions, and make sure to keep some people on your team who are not afraid to challenge and call you out. You need those people.

24) Solicit advice and wisdom, and listen to it, but ultimately keep your own counsel. You know in your bones what is right for you.

25) Don't wait until you're "ready". If you wait until you feel prepared and fully qualified, you'll never do anything.

26) Perfection is not a thing. Strive to do your best, but skip the part where you have to make it perfect.

27) Sing loudly and often, if for no other reason than because it makes you happy. (If you happen to also get paid for singing, consider it a bonus.)

28) It is a gift when someone opens up to you; be a person others can trust with their innermost thoughts and feelings. Do not share words said to you in confidence.

29) Never intentionally cause harm, but take responsibility and apologize with sincerity when you accidentally do cause harm (because you will).

30) Accept all sincere apologies. In resolving conflict, always strive for a win-win. It rarely matters who was "right".

31) Do not respond to anything while you’re “in your feelings”, whether that feeling be hurt, anger, frustration, or irritation. If something pings your feelings, wait a minute before you reply, because anything you say immediately will just be reactionary.

32) Most things are not personal. I repeat: most things are not personal. Other people’s actions, largely, have nothing to do with you. Ask for clarification before you decide to take something personally.

33) Avoid passive-aggressiveness. That thing where you say it’s fine but it’s really not fine? Stop doing that. Own your needs, wants, and desires. State them clearly. Do not expect others to read your mind. You can’t get mad for not getting something you never asked for.

34) Love your body. All of it. It’s an amazing, beautiful thing and also it’s the only one you get. Keep in mind that any lover worth having will love all of you, including all the parts you're insecure about. Get out of your head. Worrying about how your body looks robs you and your lover of pleasures that are rightfully yours to enjoy.

35) Go out for a leisurely breakfast whenever you can. Morning coffee is the best part of every day; savor it.

36) Practice gratitude.