vulnerability is hard af

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Disclaimer: It is a subscription-based blog, but it's only $1/month (or $5-10 if you want allllll the content on the site). The idea behind this is that these posts are so popular that I could monetize them a tiny bit, because I have a 9 month old baby to feed, tbh. 

I'm an NF type like you, so I hope you realize I'm not trying to "trick" anybody into anything. So don't go read the rest if you feel some kind of way about me charging $1 a month or are going to send me a mean email about how I'm a sellout. But if you get the idea that people pay for good stuff, and you want high-quality daily advice delivered to your inbox, then check it out. Read a bunch of public posts before you subscribe if you'd like. NF types especially will like my format, I think. Thank you! :) 

Thoughts about trust.

I've been thinking a lot about trust lately. It's come up in my sessions a lot as well as in conversations with my trusted advisors, so that's when I decide to write about it and process my feelings. 

I'm not talking about the kind of trust like "can you keep a secret?" because lord knows most people really *can't* keep a secret, and thankfully I've only had like one secret in my whole adult life and I ended up telling 14 of my closest friends anyway. So, that's not the kind of trust I'm talking about. I don't "trust" many people in this way, and I'm not even mad about it because I know how people are. I might be the only person you know who can *actually* keep other people's secrets. (Actually I probably know a lot of your secrets; don't worry, they'll go with me to the grave). 

I am referring to a more abstract sense of trust. The kind of trust that comes from knowing a person is "your people", and that you share basic values. The comfort of knowing that you're not going to suddenly discover something about them that completely disrupts your sense of them as a decent human being. 

People are complex, of course, so obviously you're never going to know everything about a person right away. It takes time and a great deal of exposure to deeply understand a person. And sometimes people are not going to be at their best and so you'll see a version that is tired, or cranky, or distracted, or rude. 

I do feel like I generally give people the benefit of the doubt. I assess people on an ongoing basis, as I get new information about them, I assimilate it into the old information so that at all times I have the most updated version of who/how I think they are. People I dislike or find off-putting at first pass rarely turn out to be great friends, and people I immediately feel drawn to often end up being important in my life in some way, but I am always cognizant of the idea that people are dynamic creatures who will grow and change over time. As I have experienced firsthand the frustration of people not allowing me to be a new or better version of myself, I realize how important it is to allow people this flexibility in my understanding of them. 

The issue of trust comes in when I think I have a good understanding of a person and they completely blindside me with some bullshit I can't reconcile. I don't know if I'm just not good at determining who I can trust in this way, or if people are just sneaky, but I feel like I've been duped a fair number of times. I've invested a great deal into friendships only to eventually reach an impasse where something imperceptibly shifts and I feel like I just don't **trust** this person on some level. This is the thing I've been talking to clients and friends about. This abstract idea of being able to "trust" people to be decent, to be consistent, to live in alignment with the values they profess to hold. 

People I thought were really "good" people I've observed doing and saying horrible things or responding callously when empathy was appropriate. A good example of this is all the people who turned out to be what I call "ever-so-slightly" racist, and then refused to reevaluate their understanding of what that means. But there's also the disruption of trust when I find out someone just isn't quite living in alignment with who and how I thought they were. And that doesn't necessarily mean they did something wrong or bad to me, it just means that this new information has rendered it impossible for me to organically feel trusting. 

So, how do we move forward in situations like this? Do we bring it to the person's attention or just slowly phase them out of our lives? Are there going to be times in which it is useful to have difficult conversations like "I just don't trust you and here's why"? How do we go about doing that? 

Advice for the New Year, Vol I

Advice for the New Year, Vol. 1: 

Dig a path to yourself.

By this I mean, take an inventory of your life and get clear on who you are and what you want and where you want to go and who you want with you when you get there (and who you don't). 

Humans are so dumb sometimes. We do the opposite of what will make us feel good because we think that it's what we are *supposed* to do. We stay in jobs or relationships or situations that don't serve us because we don't know what else to do. Or because we don't want the people around us to judge us. Or because it appears everyone else has their shit together and we don't want to admit that we basically don't. 

The truth is: very few people actually have their shit together or have any idea what they're doing. At least very few people that I know. 

Okay, rephrase: I do know that there *are* people in the world who are simply content, satisfied, and moving in a predictable, traditional trajectory of life between birth and death. These people are actually probably way happier than most of my people, but...

BOOOOOR-ING

I don't find those people very interesting and I'm rarely writing/speaking to them when I advise. Because my people are the messy ones who make everything harder than it has to be. My people are the ones who take 17 detours on the path from point A to point B instead of just forging forward. My people are the ones who are restless and searching and aspiring and who need to be reminded DON'T WORRY, YOU ARE DOING OKAY. 

So, to my people (and as you're reading this you can determine if you're one of my tribe or not by whether it resonates or sounds ridiculous): 

I advise you to get clear this year on your deepest desires. Tune in to the frequencies you have historically ignored. Connect with the people you love in a more profound and intimate way. Say all the words that you mean, out loud (if you don't know how, take my communications class!) <---- shameless marketing) Look for ways to be actively happy each day. Identify and adjust the places where you're showing up inauthentically. Get to know your realest self. Introduce that self to the people you love. If you don't have enough of "your people" in your life, go out and find them. Be real, be happy, do you. 

DIG ALL THE WAY IN. 

Personality Type 101

So...a lot of people ask me about this personality type stuff, so I'm going to break down a couple of things about it real quick.

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How to emotionally protect yourself: Advice for ENFJ

Oh, hello my dear ENFJs! I really appreciate and love you; you're some of my very favorite clients/friends/loves of all time. I hope my slowness didn't hurt your feelings. 

ENFJ functional stack: Fe Ni Se Ti

So, the usual caveats are relevant here: some of these will resonate with you, some of them won't. No one is exactly the same, and we all have different needs/desires. But, I'll start with the biggest thing, which if you are truly an ENFJ will for sure ring a bell: 

1) ENFJ, my friend (and I say this so very lovingly, because I know what a good place it is borne of) you've got a serious case of Major Boundary Issues. If there is one specific hallmark ENFJ has that clues me in that that's the type I'm dealing with, it's a general lack of or difficulty with boundaries. This may pop up in any number of ways, but most commonly manifesting as a lack of boundary between your emotions and the emotions of others. So let's say item #1 on our agenda is just to get clear on the fact that you're not naturally well-suited for establishing clear boundaries. It's your Achilles heel. It's the place you falter the most in your quest for genuine soul happiness, deep and sustainable satisfaction at work, balanced love and friend relationships. 

2) And next let's also clarify that these issues occur specifically because you care so much about other people and you so much want everyone to be safe and happy and cared for. I emphasize this part because I need you to know that there's nothing wrong with how you are. The world needs people like you, because you help us all out so much and you provide so much love and support. You are the givers and teachers and most generous lovers of humankind. You are inspirational! And I know that you really get a lot of genuine satisfaction out of providing all the love and support you can, and sometimes it feels like you have endless capacity to provide. It's just that...well, this lack of boundaries very often ends up making you feel shitty in the long run, (for a variety of reasons) and we don't want that. 

3) I need you to understand - deeply. in your bones. - that identifying and correcting your difficulty in establishing and maintaining boundaries is not an act of selfishness. It is not harmful to others. It is an act of self-care, self-love, and self-respect. You are setting an example for the many people who look up to you, because truly it is only through loving and caring for yourself that you can effectively sustain the love and care you want to provide for the people in your life. People look to you for guidance for any number of problems, issues, concerns, etc. You can practice and model solid boundaries with a little bit of mindful adjustment. Remember that the world does not need you to martyr yourself. There's a reason the flight attendants say to put your oxygen mask on first. 

4) So, let's start with a plan for emotional boundaries, or the fulcrum at which the feelings of other people can overpower or even become your feelings. It's basically like having emotional hypochondriasis: if you are too enmeshed in others, you can literally begin to manifest the emotional state of the people around you. You may be super happy one day, like everything is going great and there's not a cloud in your emotional sky...and then you may meet for coffee with a super negative friend who complains the whole time. And then you may spend the rest of the day in a funk you have no identifiable reason to be in. Meanwhile, your friend  feels so much better after spending time with you. You know why? Because that Negative Nancy has vampirically sucked the very joy from your veins, and you let him/her do it. You veritably offered your neck for the joy-sucking. This can happen to you so easily if you are not mindful of and actively protecting yourself against this risk. This is especially dangerous for your emotional state if you partner with someone who is very dark or very emotionally needy. You can fairly easily find yourself in an effectively parasitic relationship in which you are the sole source of happiness or positive emotion for another person or even a whole system (family/work/friend group). You may not even realize you're being drained because the siphoning makes you feel so useful and important. 

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Disclaimer: It is a subscription-based blog, but it's only $1/month (or $5-10 if you want allllll the content on the site). The idea behind this is that these posts are so popular that I could monetize them a tiny bit, because I have a 9 month old baby to feed, tbh. 

I'm an NF type like you, so I hope you realize I'm not trying to "trick" anybody into anything. So don't go read the rest if you feel some kind of way about me charging $1 a month or are going to send me a mean email about how I'm a sellout. But if you get the idea that people pay for good stuff, and you want high-quality daily advice delivered to your inbox, then check it out. Read a bunch of public posts before you subscribe if you'd like. NF types especially will like my format, I think. Thank you! :) 

ENFP: How to be the very best- and truest- version of yourself

Hey there ENFP friends! You're my favorite, you know. You're everybody's favorite! (I know you know). You're delightful to be around and I really appreciate you. I just wanted to get that out of the way so that you know I'm coming at you from a really warm place. 

Here are some tips to make your life a little easier, and also for you to make the lives of those around you a little less frustrating. Some of this is going to apply to you, some won't, but I have had a lot of ENFP clients and friends over the years, so there do seem to be some themes to your behavior, so hopefully you find some of it useful.

ENFP functional stack: Ne Fi Te Si 

1) The singular mission of your life is to figure out who the fuck you actually are, and then just be that as best you can. Some of you probably feel like you're pretty authentic most of the time, and that's great. You may be one of the well-developed ENFPs who has solved the ENFP existential crisis early. Good for you! BUT. For those of you who are still working on that or haven't even named it as the fundamental crisis of your identity, wellllll....sorry, love. Here we are. Here you are. Here is the story of your life. 

2) See, the thing is: you're brilliant at socializing. Truly incredible dexterity in this department. Unparalleled, maybe. Genius, certainly. But (isn't there always a "but"?) because you tend to be so good at fitting in anywhere and being a social chameleon and doing whatever is needed from you at any given moment, you may take that too far. You may get so engrossed and tuned in to what everybody else wants/needs from you that at some point (often in midlife) you may look around and just literally can't find your true self. This is a really scary moment for ENFPs and it may look a lot like a midlife crisis. Whenever it happens, if it happens, it's like the real you got left by the wayside and is out trying to hitchhike its way back home. And sometimes it (you) doesn't get picked up right away because you don't know where to look or you don't know that you need to be looking. Which means the real you is out wandering the lonely highways of your internal landscape, lost and alone, and you are in the world just bullshitting through everything. Learning how to stop bullshitting is the key to your best life. You have to go out in your dusty old car and drive around as long as it takes for you to find the hitchhiker that is your true self and bring him/her home. And then you have to teach your true self how to stop getting lost. You have to integrate even the parts that aren't so good. Your true self has to feel loved and accepted and validated and welcome in order to be willing to stick around. 

3) Let me bring that out of metaphor and give you a little more practical advice: if you at any point find yourself feeling fractured or inauthentic or vaguely unhappy, go to therapy. It could just be that you're living the life intended for some other type and you need help finding your way out of that life and into the life you are suited for. You are meant for warmth. You are meant to connect with people and support them and help them be their best selves. But it could be that you went into banking or some cold corporate job when you should have gone into teaching or counseling. Or maybe you married a steady, practical, duty-fulfilling ISTJ when you'd be much happier and feel more connected with a warm and affirming ENFJ. Maybe you were in the military and you've had to learn to set aside all your feelings and emotional needs. Maybe you grew up in a family that didn't encourage your growth into the ENFP you were supposed to be and now you feel like you are just generally out of sorts. Maybe you're simply feeling unseen and unvalidated. Or maybe you just don't feel good but you don't know why. Go to therapy. Find a therapist who is an NF and who can see you for who you are, and who won't be fooled by your spectacular skill at bullshitting, and who will challenge you to figure out how to live more authentically. It is worth this effort. You will feel better. Being seen is where it's at. 

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How to be an INFJ in a world that isn't made for you.

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Oh, my dear little INFJs. How complex you are! How difficult to explain. Luckily, this advice is for you, which is way easier than trying to define you to someone else. It definitely helps that I am one of you! And to disclaim, not all of this stuff applies to me, as not all of it will apply to you. We are all individual snowflakes, of course. But there are some themes I've noticed in my personal & professional relationships with other INFJs, so here are some tips to navigate life as an INFJ: 

1) You have to make yourself known. I know it's easy to get all "woe is me, nobody understands me" (which is a legit thing btw) but there's something to be said for doing the work to consciously allow yourself to be seen by the people closest to you. You are an onion, and as such it can take years for a person to peel back all the layers of you. And you do want this, right? You want to be seen and understood, right? It is true that you are deep and complicated and can be kind of messy to distill down, and I don't know that it's really a thing to be all the way known, but ultimately you can at least be as known as possible if you allow it and actively invite people in to your world. 

2) Speed up the onion-peeling process by offering up access to what you instinctively would prefer people would just know to dig for. Accept that they don't know, because a) most people are not as intuitive as you are and b) you are a treasure island and they have most likely never visited one of those before. Instead of punishing them for not knowing where to find the gold, give them a map. Help them dig. Sift through what they help you unearth; it's likely some of it you didn't even know was buried there. You can discover it together. 

3) Be mindful of the vibe you're giving off. I know you are at your core a warm and loving person, but let's face it: you can be kind of prickly sometimes. So remember that nobody wants to snuggle with a porcupine. I know that the prickliness is hiding a gooey center, but I only know this because I have VIP insider access. Most people don't know this. If what they see is a bunch of sharp edges and pointiness, they are not probably going to stick around to find a way around that into the beautiful garden paradise your prickliness protects. They are simply going to assume you do not want them in your space, which sometimes is true but often is not. 

4) You have to intentionally make yourself appear open and warm and inviting to the people you actually do want in your space, so that they know it's safe to approach you. Most people are not going to take liberties with you, because they will intuitively sense that you are not someone to take those liberties with. (Although the ones that do are often the ones you love best, because they are brave and undaunted by your forcefield. They bust right in like "you're going to love me, deal with it" which you secretly like. These are gonna be your ENFP types, most often.)

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