Use Words.

It makes me sad when I have a couple that comes to me for counseling in crisis, when the relationship is already in its death throes. People come in seeking a panacea to all the years of damage to their relationship, but unfortunately, I am not a magician. Counseling cannot be a last ditch effort, because if one partner has already checked out, there are not enough hands on deck to do the work. 

The thing I can't really tell them, because it won't be helpful now, is this: your relationship probably could have been saved anytime before now, if only you had learned to really communicate with each other. Yes, I know that *everything* isn't about communication, but if you can't do that part, the other stuff is always going to fall apart. Conflict is a natural part of any intimate relationship, and to avoid it entirely is counterproductive. There will be times when you will be unhappy in your relationship or upset with something your partner is doing or not doing. But learning to do conflict well is a key function of communication. Being able to look at your partner's face and say "this is what I need" or "this is how i feel" is the fundamental building block of a strong relationship. This is a skill worth learning at any time; if nothing else, you'll know it for next time. 

So when a couple comes in and I can clearly see where their disconnect is and it is a glaring lack of understanding of one another's basic ways of being in the world, I will never tell them it's too late. Even while it's a long shot, I will take a deep breath and dive in and do my best. But to help them navigate the unfamiliar territories of vulnerability, honesty, intimacy, etc etc, when they've been living elsewhere for years, can be scary and difficult for them. It is amazing what people don't know about each other even after having been married for 5, 10, 15 years. So we start with communication. If I had a dollar for every time I say to a client "You have to actually USE WORDS", I would have enough dollars to go on a nice vacation. 

So my conclusion here is: learn to use words. If you're in a relationship, the best thing you can do is communicate authentically with your partner. If you're not in a relationship, practice with the other people in your life so that when you are, you will know how to do this. Relationships are always going to be challenging, but if you learn to communicate and to do conflict well, you're much better equipped to handle all the other stuff that will arise.

Why Apologizing is Awesome. (Part II)

This might sound weird, but I have come to really love apologizing. Possibly more than any other interpersonal transaction between humans, it has radically transformative power.

To contextualize that statement: I do the best I can and I actively endeavor to be as kind and generous and non-harming as possible. I say actively with emphasis, because it is a mindful practice every day. I have some default, reflexive ways of being that are not as kind and generous as I would like. So I really do try, every day. But, like all of us, I still screw things up fairly routinely. I say stuff I shouldn't say, and sometimes my behavior is thoughtless, selfish, and/or passive-aggressive. Usually this is unintentional, but sometimes...I'm just behaving like an a**hole.

Example: I was out with a friend saturday night, sitting on the sidewalk in the CWE. The service at the bar where we were was spotty and slow, and I was getting a little bit impatient with it. My friend is pretty chill, so he doesn't get too annoyed and is usually just amused if I get activated by something. We'd had three different people take our orders and at least one of them simply failed to return (ever) with the drinks we'd ordered. Then we ordered a round from the guy who eventually came to check on us, and when the he came back, he'd forgotten part of the order. I made a snarky comment to my friend about it, not realizing the server was still standing there. My friend pointed out that he'd heard me, and I felt embarrassed, because while I was somewhat annoyed with the situation, it didn't specifically have anything to do with that particular server and I didn't actually want to make him feel badly. So, a few minutes later, I went inside, found the server, looked at his face, and told him I realized he'd heard my off-handed rude comment, that I was sorry for being a jerk, that I was frustrated with the situation and not at him personally, and that my behavior was inexcusable. He looked surprised and admitted it was only his third day, and so he probably had screwed things up. (Obviously at this point I felt even worse!) So I assured him he was doing fine, and he accepted my apology. It was unusual, probably, but it wasn't awkward or difficult to do, and it may or may not have affected his night in the least. But what it meant for me was that I didn't have to sit outside feeling bad for being a jerk, (or worse, NOT feeling bad for being a jerk). The moral of that story is that I shouldn't make snarky comments that I don't really mean, period, because although I probably wouldn't have felt bad saying what I said if he hadn't heard it, it was still rude and gives an impression of me to my friend and anyone else near me that I don't feel proud of.

So I guess what I'm saying is something I've actually written blog posts about in the past: apologizing is awesome. The greatest gift I can give myself and my relationships (with not only people I love, but also the other people in the world) is to recognize when I've done something harmful and immediately attempt to repair any damage I've caused with careless words or actions. Just today, I made a seemingly off-handed (read: passive-aggressive) comment to a dear friend and watched it land poorly and hurt her feelings. I assured her I didn't mean anything by it and moved on. But after thinking about it, I realized I had kind of meant what I said, or what I was sort of trying to say, but I hadn't expressed it in a good or loving or productive way. It had come out sideways, as unexpressed feelings often do. So I sent her a message apologizing and clarifying where the comment came from and what I really meant and how I should have said it differently. And we had a good talk about it, and it's okay now, and we both feel better.

So, listen to me: you're never going to be as awesome as you intend to be. Your words will come out in ways you don't intend them to, and you'll sometimes (probably) be an a**hole. It's okay. Work on it, but in the meantime, learn to apologize. It can be hard on the ego, so for those of us who are very prideful, this will be very difficult. But it's worth the effort. This is the practice. This is the work. This is how we build and stabilize and rebuild relationships. Trust me. I'm a professional. :)

Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.

This post has moved to its new home at www.patreon.com/amymiller 

Tiger Stripes.

THIS POST HAS MOVED TO ITS NEW HOME: www.patreon.com/amymiller

The Thing Is

The Thing Is

by Ellen Bass

to love life, to love it even
when you have no stomach for it
and everything you've held dear
crumbles like burnt paper in your hands,
your throat filled with the silt of it.
When grief sits with you, its tropical heat
thickening the air, heavy as water
more fit for gills than lungs;
when grief weights you like your own flesh
only more of it, an obesity of grief,
you think, How can a body withstand this?
Then you hold life like a face
between your palms, a plain face,
no charming smile, no violet eyes,
and you say, yes, I will take you
I will love you, again.

Emotional Unavailability.

This is a great read that a friend sent me recently. It reflects what she's dealing with in her own life, but I think many of us can relate. We often find ourselves in these emotional loops where we are consistently disappointed by the reality of our relationship(s) and yet *endlessly hopeful* that things will change. The challenge is knowing when to keep hoping, and when to just let go. Even more difficult is taking responsibility for our own role in the pattern we've co-created, and seeing that we agreed to it by continuing to participate. It's easy to blame the emotionally unavailable person, but it is harder and ultimately more useful to see how our own stuff got us here. A gentle acceptance, coupled with the challenge to interrupt these patterns, is the kindest way to treat ourselves when we recognize what we're doing and wish to do it differently.

http://www.elephantjournal.com/2014/04/how-to-unhook-from-an-emotionally-unavailable-partner/

Make No Assumptions.

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don't tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don't understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don't have the courage to ask questions.”
― Miguel Ruiz, The Four Agreements

Assumptions are what get us in trouble when communicating with the people we care about. It is SO IMPORTANT that we ask direct questions and actually tell the truth to each other. Otherwise, we invent a million possible scenarios to fill in the details we don't know. We project our own insecurities and worries and biases onto other people's behavior and presume to know what they mean or meant by a thing they did or said. And sometimes we even act as if we are right about what was in the heart of the other person, without actually finding out. But if we don't go to the source and ask for clarity around what we don't understand, how can we know what was truly meant? So often, relationships get destroyed, or friendships damaged, by the passive act of allowing silence. By permitting assumptions to replace investigation and curiosity, we close ourselves off from the sort of true connection that is born of authentic communication. Much can be gained by mustering the courage to ask and listen and be able to hear the truth from the other instead of inventing our own explanation that suits us.